Misadventures of Me

2009-01-19T05:46:00.000-08:00

Okay well...here goes...

I failed at the Love Dare. What was done to me was inexcusable and I won't even think of trying that on him ever again. He is out of my life and I am trying (trying yes) to move on. It's hard, its a struggle every day. If only I could tell everyone what he did, but that is personal. Just trust me on this...if someone did this to you, you would never want to see them again either. I still have to deal with him because of our daughter.

Times are hard. My daughter had surgery on her teeth last week so we spent the day in the hospital. Night before last my dad was in a car wreck. He almost died. He hit a patch of black ice on the road. spun around and hit the ditch and flipped his truck in the creek. His head was in the water, he went thru the sunroof. He said he felt the freezing water then warmth from the blood gushing from his head. He had stitches all over his head from all the gashes. The one on top of his head is so deep it went to his skull. He cracked his neck, and messed up a bone in his back a lil. Thank God for the neighbors down the road, they were behind him when he wrecked, and they stopped and held towels on his head until the rescuers got there. If they hadn't done that, my dad wouldn't be home right now. They let him go yesterday. Hes in a lot of pain. Hes all bandaged up and has to wear a neckbrace for two months. BUT...He is alive. Thanks to those neighbors and the EMTs. Angels don't always have big fluffy wings you know...

The Love Dare: Day whatever

2008-11-01T18:03:00.000-07:00

For some reason I have hit a rut. It was supposed to be day nine a few days ago. I can't seem to remember to greet him any differently than I always do. I have been reading ahead though. Perhaps I need to start over. I seem to have lost direction.

You see, I stopped going to church. Not on purpose, but because we weren't able to. First I was sick, then my back went out, and now James' schedule mixups have had us all messed up. So. I am starting back tomorrow. But, since I have been missing it seems my "drive" has gone missing too. I have become upset, depressed, burned out. So I haven't been putting as much in as I have been in the past. All I have wanted is sleep. Rest. Relaxation. That doesn't include a child screaming MOMMY at me for hours on end.

I dunno. Its just been hard for me. I'll get back on track. I always do. Eventually.

Will you pray for me and my family? Please?

The Love Dare: Day Eight

2008-10-28T13:20:00.000-07:00

Love is not jealous.

Love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire. ~Song of Solomon 8:6 NIV

Okay so I don't have time or back strength to make this a long post. My back is out again and it hurts to sit too long. Anyhoo...this day's focus was on what was legitimate jealousy and illegitimate jealousy. Legit is when a man or woman is jealous of their wife/husband having relations with someone else, etc...things like that. Illegit is when you are coveting what someone else has. Also, you should be a cheerleader for your spouse, not make them feel bad for succeeding.

Todays dare was to burn the negatives list from yesterday, and also to share with your spouse how glad you are about a success or achievement he/she recently enjoyed. I shared with James how proud I am of him for starting school and pursuing a dream. Also how I think he is so smart. And I gave him many compliments, though very discreetly, throughout the day. I gave him those compliments without even planning to, just because I had been in the "good room" so long that I just wanted to tell him how truly thankful I am.

Anyway...I miss him...so bad...

The Love Dare: Day Seven

2008-10-26T23:00:00.000-07:00

Love believes the best.

[Love] believes all things, hopes all things. ~1 Corinthians 13:7.

Today's dare was to get two sheets of paper. On one paper, you write all the things you appreciate and love about your spouse. The good qualities that draw you to them. On another sheet of paper, you write all that you dislike. You are supposed to comment or thank them for one of the things you like. Then you are supposed to hide these papers til later.

I thanked James for being such an awesome Dad, and coming to my rescue when my back goes out. He is so helpful. I filled up much much more room on the things I am thankful for. This opened my eyes a lil. There are so many many things I am thankful for, yet I spend so much time focusing on the things I dislike.

The Love Dare states that there are two rooms in your heart. On one, the walls are covered with good things. This is where you go when you are thinking good thoughts about him/her. On the other, its covered with all the bad things, in huge letters. It says that we should only go in this room to write all over the bad thoughts, "COVERED IN LOVE". We should only focus on the other room.

When we spend more time in the "good" room, we tend to have a better outlook on our spouse, and on life in general. I know that if I am mainly concentrating on the good things, then James' faults tend to not stick out as much. I don't see the bad, because I am only concentrating on good. I am more grateful for him, and I appreciate him more. I am genuinely happy when I only visit this "room".

It basically says..."to stay in the good room and appreciate your spouse, and reign in your negative thoughts and stifle them...is something you do for yourself, God, and your spouse, whether they deserve it or not." I added a few things in there, just to emphasize a few points I thought were important. You do this not just for your spouse. You do this for your own benefit, and you do it for God.

The Love Dare: Day Six

2008-10-25T17:41:00.000-07:00

Love is not irritable.

He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit, than he who captures a city. ~Proverbs 16:32

Well...these are really starting to hit home. More and more I find these covering topics that I REALLY need to work on. I really don't have a whole lot of time to touch on today's, but the dare for today was: React in loving ways instead of with irritation. Make a list of areas where you need to add margin to your schedule. List any wrong motivations you need to release from your life.

This is a hard assignment for me, considering I am very very irritable. Most of the time. We'll see what happens...

The Love Dare: Day Five

2008-10-24T19:14:00.000-07:00

Love is not Rude.

He who blesses his friend with a loud voice early in the morning, it will be reckoned a curse to him. ~Proverbs 27:14

Today's dare was harder than the rest so far. It was "Ask your spouse to tell you three things that cause him or her to be uncomfortable or irritated with you. You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behaviour. This is from their perspective only." I did this. It was almost unnerving how quickly he came back with three specific things that he disliked about me and my actions.

One thing that stuck out about the three things he asked of me was this...they were all things that should be common courtesy, but I was neglecting to show him the respect of giving him these courtesies. It says here in "The Love Dare" there are three guiding principles when it comes to practicing etiquette in your marriage:
1. Guard the Golden Rule. Treat your mate the same way you want to be treated (see Luke 6:31).
2. No double standards. Be considerate of your spouse as you are to strangers and coworkers.
3. Honor requests. Consider what your husband or wife already asked you to do or not to do. If in doubt, then ask.

To be brutally honest...I haven't shown James the respect he deserves. I haven't been careful of how I treat him and how I speak to him. I don't guard his self worth or self esteem. I haven't been a blessing. It says in the book "Will you dare to be delightful?" My question is.."Do I have the ability to be delightful?

I let stress get to me and I am just plain ugly and unpleasant to be around. "Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife" (Proverbs 25:24). Two main reasons of being rude and inconsiderate...ignorance and selfishness. I am not so much ignorant as I am selfish. What a terrible terrible way to be. I have to seek help. I must honor him and treat him as he deserves to be treated. He doesn't deserve to be hurt...

This book has made me THINK about how I am like never before. I am examining the areas of my life and of myself that need work, and I am learning how to make that change...or let God change it for me. It's truly a blessing to my life and my relationships.

The Love Dare: Day Four

2008-10-23T20:45:00.000-07:00

Love is Thoughtful.

How precious also are Your thoughts to me... How vast is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand. -Psalm 139.17-18

Today's Dare

Contact your spouse sometime during the business of the day. Have no agenda other than asking how he or she is doing and if there is anything you could do for them.

I do this every day already. I am genuinely concerned with what James needs and what I can do to help him. Though I do feel bad. We had a rough night last night. Everything is okay though this morning. He is helping me out tonight though!! My back has gone out. That is why this post will be verrrry short. OUCH! It hurts to sit here :(

The Love Dare: Day Three

2008-10-22T18:48:00.000-07:00

Love is not selfish.

Today's dare was "Its hard to care for something you aren't investing your time, energy, or money in. Along with restraining from negative comments, buy your spouse something that says, "I was thinking of you today."

Being a stay at home mom that never has a dime to her name this one was difficult. I am still pondering it to be honest. I thought about just giving him a nice massage tonight. I don't know. I am so tired. I need to figure out something. I have been nicer lately. I have been thinking of him first. I have been trying to put his needs first. We haven't argued or fought. We have both been considerate of one another. A lot more than we ever have.

Anyway, I don't really have time to post anything more...Bethany won't stop screaming and its driving me insane. I'll try again tomorrow. :)

The Love Dare: Day Two

2008-10-21T19:14:00.000-07:00

Day Two

Love is Kind.

Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. ~Ephesians 4:32

Today's dare was to not only refrain from negative words or actions, but also to perform an act of kindness. I am only on day two, and I am really watching and realizing JUST HOW BAD I have treated not only James, but everyone around me. My relationships with other people just don't live up to par considering what they could be. I could do so much more in my life, just with a little thought and consideration about how I interact with others.

So anyway, today I didn't really know what to do. I still have plans for this evening, but so far I pretty much have done what I normally would do for him. Only this time, without grumbling or complaining. I helped him with dinner, I did whatever he needed me to do. I tried to put him first. Also...I helped him study, which I have NEVER done before. He picked up on all that information really really fast. He is so so smart.

That's another thing, too. You notice things you normally wouldn't see when you are doing this dare. Normally I wouldn't give it a second thought. Yesterday I missed James so bad I couldn't stand it. Then today, I realized just what a great wonderful awesome dad he is. And how much I need him in my life. I also realized how smart he is, how helpful he is...how comfortable I am being myself around him...so many things I love about him and so many reasons too. I can only see this dare getting better from here. It's truly life altering. Heart altering too.

The Love Dare: Day One

2008-10-20T09:14:00.002-07:00

Love is Patient.

Be completely humble and gentle;be patient, bearing with one another in love. ~Ephesians 4:2 NIV

This was pretty easy today. We had such a good night going to the Fireproof movie that we are seeing each other a lil differently. He even turned off the playstation to be with me a while. I have had to check what I have been saying, just to make sure there was nothing negative slipping through while I wasn't paying attention. I tend to let my mouth fly off like that. I think that this movie and the book are both changing our lives. I hope so anyway. I want to be better.

We had an awesome night. We bought books, and went to dinner. We got books at Borders. Including a GED Book for me to study for the TABE exam for college. I am so excited! Also, we went to see Fireproof. That movie was INCREDIBLE. It not only paved the way to transform how James and I reacted to each other, but it has changed my outlook on life. I want to be better. I want to act better. I want to be a better Christian, a better wife, and a better mother. I have a whole lot of learning to do.

But...James asked me..."Are you going to leave that book out so I can read it too?" Speaking of the Love Dare book. I was irritable, after watching him come straight home and play playstation for two hours and then tell me "just one more round of golf" which honestly lasts about 2 1/2 hrs...and it was already midnight...I said something I shouldn't have, and then went to my room to cry. I said "Why should I? You wouldn't get off your PS3 long enough to participate." OH there is so much work to do with me. Pray for me, would you?

2008-10-20T09:14:00.001-07:00

2008-10-18T12:00:00.000-07:00

A rummage sale. In October. In cold cold, windy weather. Did I mention it rained yesterday? Oh, and the leaves are covering the ground making it just shy of being a waterslide on the lil hill in my front yard. Slippery, yes. And very hard for a 2 year old to conquer. I am TIRED and sore and COLD! I say this every year...never again will I have a yard sale! This year I mean it! Til next year anyway.

Every year, my mom, my aunt, my kids and my cousin all come over to my house and throw out a yard sale. This year, everything was 10 cents. Everything...AHHH! Yardsales suck. I need to clean my house so bad too. I know KNow KNOW that if I start cleaning I will get warm. I also know that I am too lazy at the moment and I am too cold to want to try it. I just want to sit here like a knot on a log. And watch the dogs dig in the bags of rummage stuff outside and spread it all over my yard. :/

I can't stand dogs right now. I ran outside and said "git" and they all looked at me as if I were saying "greetings earthlings" and carried on with their business. Lil heifers. Oh, and now that the yard sale is over and the dogs are eating all the leftovers, the sun comes out. Ha. Ha. I wish these dogs would GO AWAY! The neighbors all let them roam free like wild animals and they won't leave my yard! Grr. Oh, and I just watched one pee on the bikes. Ha. Ha. again.

I have to clean. I have to study. I have to watch lil sticky fingered children as they demolish the inside of my house. I have have have to..this n that. The list never ends. I also need to read my Sunday School lesson before tomorrow morning. Cause I can't miss church. I need church like i need air. It's helping me, immensely. Along with all these blogs I am reading....those are helping me grow closer to the Lord and the way I should be, instead of the way I am.

On a lovely brighter note...I scored the WHOLE set of Left Behind books. My mom was SELLING THEM FOR 10 CENTS! Yes...yes she was. TEN CENTS. So I scurried on over and snatched them up and scurried myself back into the house with them! Mine mine mine mine. mine. Now, Joshy is outside gathering up dogs. Haha. My mom must have called him to ask him when his mom was picking the stuff up cause the dogs are tryin to eat it. LOL! He's such a cute kid. I hope mine grow up as cute as these guys around here.

Joshy is our neighbor kid. He runs around on his four wheeler with his sister. With a raccoon on the front. haha. Well. My grandma is here...gotta go.

tick tock

2008-10-17T16:20:00.000-07:00

I have NO TIME! to blog today...so I dub this FRAZZLED OUT FRIDAY!!! I will TRY to come back tomorrow!

~a lil while later~
I found the time! for a second, anyway. My dear James is still at work. My dear son is at his grandmas, and my dear daughter is asleep in the recliner, after watching Harry Potter for I don't know how long. I am so stressed. I told James that my brain was like a traffic jam. There are so many thoughts trying to fit through a tiny space, and that space keeps getting smaller and all my thoughts just freeze. Nothing seems to work anymore.

So he and I aren't getting along again. For now. We will both be over it soon. I am over it already, but I can't let him know that cause I am stubborn. Does that make me mean? I guess I keep it going by doing that. I have never been one to swallow my pride or give up too easily. But all I wanted was one simple tiny lil thing, and he was so hateful about it. And I asked nicely for so long. I get so tired of asking when I really REALLY need something and he just didn't care. So we ended up in an argument over it. All he had to do was make one lil phone call.

Anyway. I need to learn how to deal with things better. I should have just prayed that he would make that phone call I so desperately wanted him to make. I should have just waited. I don't know. But I can only handle so much. I need relationship counseling because I really don't know how to deal with anyone in my life. I am terrible with other people. What can I do???

I am trying SO hard to be a better person. I want to make things work for me and my family and all those around me. I want my family to be happy. But there are times when I just break. I take so much and then I snap. I don't know how to control my mouth or thoughts. It's something I must practice. Does anyone have any tips? I need a mentor!

Thankful Thursday?

2008-10-16T17:12:00.000-07:00

Not so much. I have been cranky. But its been a good day. I really don't feel like writing here. Its that time again. Bloating,cramps, and an altogether bad attitude. That's me. We took the kids to BK today..we went to the Dollar Tree and they spent ALOT on toys...then we came home. The kids played a while.

James and I went to eat at Trailhead Steakhouse today. OMG It was delicious. I loved it. Our lovely waitress goes to church with me. She's such a doll. I remember her when she was SO lil. All these kids are growing up so fast!! The Trailhead was a lil expensive, but WOW the place is so beautiful on the inside. Gorgeous.

Anyway...I don't wanna be here typing...I have things 2 do...so buh bye bye...

2008-10-15T10:52:00.000-07:00

You would think, after getting a mouthful of silver teeth already, my son would have learned his lesson. Nah. He has two more cavities. He has to get two sealants on November 10th. :/ ugh. I thank God that we have such good dentists though. It makes me happy to know my kids are gonna be well taken care of. Bethy has an appointment the same day as Michael...Nov 20th. Her teeth are in bad shape too. I am surprised she isn't complaining of them. I am afraid that her teeth are going to take a lot more work than just sealants. Poor baby. Its where we let her use that bottle too long. She still uses it, but for the past year, we have not let her have anything in it but water.

So today...we went to my appointment, went to get my transcripts from my old High School, went to Michaels dentist, went to the DMV to get Mikeys ID renewed, went to the SS office to get Michaels new SS card, went to Pellissippi State to turn in my paperwork so I can register for my classes next month...and went to eat. WOW what a day. I came home to a perfectly clean and serene house. James cleaned up the whole house while I was gone. I am SO lucky.

I have to study for the TABE exam now. I am so bad at studying. It has been SO long since I have. I can't comprehend anything. Its the retention I have problems with I guess. It won't sink in and stay there. This is stuff I haven't looked at, needed, or used in about 9 years. How in the world am I going to make this work??! Pray I guess. Pray that God will zap my memory banks with superglue from heaven and make something stick in there. Well...better go study. :) Anyone have any tips for the TABE exam?!?

Treasuring My Life

2008-10-14T14:35:00.000-07:00

Okay, its Tuesday. We went on a wild goose chase to find a particular kind of tupperware box. And that didn't work out. So we make an unnecessary trip to town. Oh well. We had a good time together either way. My kids are drivin me nuts. Haha. They are adorable though. I wouldn't trade any day with them for the world.

I have seen many many "memes" for Tuesday, but none have really caught my attention. I like the "Tuesdays;In Other Words" the most out of all. Still, it just doesn't click with me. So...I will just blog along my merry lil way until I have one that works for me.

Im a stay at home mom. As I sit here, blogging on my lil page...drinking hot tea...I just thought "Wow! This is what I always pictures THOSE Moms doing!" You know, the perfect ones, with perfect lil children in their perfectly clean and organized houses and lives. Sipping their tea with their lil bloggy's while their kids were off doing something productive and quiet.

Okay, fantasy over. I'm sipping tea because my throat feels like its about to combust and my kids are behind me covered in chocolate and screaming like hyenas, for no particular reason other than to exercise their voice boxes. One is playing a war game, geared WAY above his age level and the other is intently watching him blow people up. Oh, and did I mention that I have to stop blogging every 2 minutes to do something else in their never-ending list of Mommy-to-do's? No, I forgot to mention that? Well, it must have been because it slipped my mind the 12th time I had to get up and leave what I was thinking behind.

The fact that my children aren't perfect, though, is what makes them oh-so-special. My son has a quirkiness about him and he is SO so smart. I'm not just saying that because he's mine either. My daughter has an attitude that just won't quit. Only one word I know will describe her...sassy. And the fact that they are both covered in chocolate only makes them sweeter.

Over the last while with my blogging, reading other blogs, and taking pictures like I have been, I have fallen completely in love with my babies like I never have before. I cherish them. I have fallen in love with my LIFE...and everyone in it. I got a letter today that confirms that I will be starting college in Spring of 09. That makes me love my life even more. It's finally coming full circle.

So with this, I officially start "Treasure It Tuesdays"...and I don't care if anyone joins me. This is mine. And I am so0o happy with it.

I treasure my life. For the first time in 26 years.

BK Today

2008-10-13T15:06:00.000-07:00

Last night was terrible, to say the least. I was sick as a dog, and James and I couldn't see eye to eye no matter what we did. He and I are such a match, our minds work the same it seems..so it is hard when you disagree with someone who is as crafty as you are!!! BUT things got better. He just held me for the longest time and we talked. Finally. Instead of yelling and feeling like the other was impossible. This morning, we got up, and everything was okay. He was going to go to his study class, but we ended up just not having the money, since it would take the gas, and also he would have had to chip in 10 bucks for pizza. We just can't it being so close to the next payday.

So, off we go, I was just going to the store to get some medicine. Since I had enough cash, and I offered to give it to James for his pizza so he could go but NO he wanted me and Bethy to have our medicine. Michael ended up wanting to go with us..so when we got to the store for the meds, Bethy started yellin PIZZA! After the medicine, we still had enough to take the kids and get a bite to eat. So James would have had enough after we got meds...but he didn't listen. Either way...we all had a blast at the BK Play Room.

Michael FINALLY braved the whole entire playroom of tubes to get to the slide. Last time he was scared to death. I was very proud of him and he was very happy! Bethy stayed at the end of the slide the whole time, just waiting for him. She would yell up the slide to try to make him come down quicker. They had a blast. It's so good to see them smiling and laughing together. I love my kids. SO MUCH.

2008-10-12T11:00:00.000-07:00

BYBS Blog your Blessings Sunday??

2008-10-12T10:08:00.000-07:00

Okay, well I saw this lil BYBS on another bloggers page that I follow. Upon more research I found out that it means "blog your blessings Sunday" which is pretty neat concept. I think I will definately try to participate in this. So, her goes nothin'.

First off, I want to say that I AM TRULY, UNDENIABLY blessed. I have been given a life in the most beautiful place in the world (or so I THINK anyway) where water is abundant, trees aren't scarce, and I can watch the sunset over the mountaintop on any given day, should I wish to do so. I have a rather large family, even if we don't see each other as much as we should, there's love there. I have "married" into another large family. They cherish my kids almost as much as I do. I have good health, my children are super healthy, and we can all bundle up and sit on the front porch and listen to the wind blow...and most of the time, thats all we hear.

There are no "gang" shootings, there are no airports or train stations or sirens wailing. Pure and simple NOTHING except for the occasional dog bark, or truck start up. Oh...and we get to listen to the constant hummm of the crickets in the late evenings. So much, that we cease to even "hear" them unless we just consciously make the effort to realize they are there.

We have a cute lil house, though rundown it may be...there's still lots of love inside. LOTS. I have a man that is the best father to my children I could have ever wished for. I have a man that will pay the bills on time. I have a man that loves his family. I hope he loves me. We are all in this together. and always will be. I have security with him, with my family here, I know in my heart that somehow we will work out our differences and spend our lives together..

God has shown me just how lucky I am, even as I sit here some days just sad about circumstances that could have/would have/should have...I forget just how blessed I am. Sometimes I need a lil reminder. I suppose that is what BYBS is all about. Family, Love, Hope, Dreams, and the pursuit of happiness (even when its right under your nose).

You know, how lucky am I? My Dad is my strong supporter, my Mom is my best friend, my aunt is my confidant, my man is the love of my life...and we are all OKAY. I love my life. I LOVE MY LIFE :)

My slideshow

2008-10-12T09:40:00.001-07:00

Ahh Ahh Cho0o0o

2008-10-11T13:11:00.000-07:00

So0o0o0o sick...thats me. I have sniffled and sneezed and coughed all day. I feel like a big steaming heap of.....Anyway....I don't feel well. I am lonely to boot. I miss...EVERYONE? I have been gone with my mom and Nina and Travis all morning. Michael stayed with my dad and Bethany went with us. We went to about 5 rummage sales, and then we went to get something to eat and went home.

I have a lot I need to get done. Laundry and stuff. I guess I should be doing that instead of procrastinating on here. :)

~~later~~
K I got that done. So...anyway...this morning we went to this rummage sale. There was a HUGE dog there that looked like Benji. You remember Benji, right? Well, this dog took a GREAT interest in Bethany. Because of the delicious princess poptart she was carrying around :P So, it sniffed of her once and walked off. We continued to browse through this strangers piles of various junk...and what do you know...Benji comes back to sniff some more. He was VERY interested in her poptart hand.

~SNATCH~ followed by screams of "AHHHHHHHHHH! POHTART!!!!! GRRRRR!" from Bethy. She was not very enthused to find a slobbering Benji swiping her beloved princes poptart. We then went to a few more sales, where my mom loaded her down with various toys of every sort...as usual. Her pretty lil face melts everyone into submission and she gets whatever she wants, whether mommy says okay or not :x

These are some of the best times of my life. When we all get together and just laugh. Even when we are having a HORRIBLE time, the fact that we are all together makes us all happy, and we have a blast.

blaaaargh

2008-10-10T13:57:00.001-07:00

Okay, so I am having some serious sneezing fits here. I can't STOP. I feel like crap! My allergies are going haywire. :( I hate allergy seasons. James went to work hours ago. I wish he was home. I hate it when he leaves. I mean...I wish EVERYONE would leave once in a while, sure. But I just wish I could motivate myself to get off this PC...and he and I have plans to do a few things around the house. Hopefully we can get around to them. I need to pick up the kids toys, wash clothes, sweep, Lord knows I need to mop but that NEVER seems to happen. Its one of those things I will probably end up doing someday when I catch up with everything else which might just be never.

I also need to go through my clothes in the closet. James has so much! And now I do too but I don't wear half of them. He has clothes in there that dont even FIT HIM!? And he refuses to let them go. They haven't fit him in...oh I dont know...3 years? Don't think its gonna happen anytime soon. Anyway I guess I shouldn't be airing our "dirty laundry" so to speak. We are both guilty of it :P I just need to go through all mine and maybe he will follow suit so I can actually put some clothes in the closet! woohoo!

I talked to Pellissippi State, they said I had to take a "confirmation" test which is basically a placement test and OMG that makes me nervous. Its been almost 9 years since I went to school. I don't remember all that algebra and english and writing. So I am going to have to take so many classes to brush up. They have those for free there to get prepared. Hopefully it will get me "refreshed" enough not to completely bomb! I am going to be doing some studying on my own as well. Hopefully I will do okay! I can't wait to schedule my classes!

Rough

2008-10-09T21:11:00.000-07:00

Today has been a pretty difficult day. I mean, granted being here with my family has made me super happy. I love Bethany being able to be with me and her dad at the same time. But still, I got used to Robby being around too. We had fun sometimes, and its hard not to think of him once in a while. James knows that I feel bad for having Robby leave. I have never been anything but honest with him. That and James really has made no effort yet to make a change for us. He does a few things here and there that make me think things are going to be different but they never are. I cried for James every day, yet he still doesn't seem to want to be with me. That makes me sad, and it hurts that Im not good enough for him. I only wish I could catch his attention long enough to see that he has a woman here who would lay her own life down to be with him.

So, here I am, lost in a whirlwind of love, life, and relationships. I would never THINK of leaving James, or doing anything to hurt him. Never in a million years. So how could he do those things to me and expect me to be healed when he makes no effort to show me that he won't continue to do so?? I'm suffocating under lies and hidden lives and I don't know if I am gonna come out brain dead or not. This is all so overwhelming.

I am so sad again. I want to pray, I want to scream and shout to the heavens to just deliver me out of this terrible mess. What can I do? Trust God. That's all I know to do. He knew this hurt was coming. He knew every move I was going to make with my heart. He knew. So He must know and He must have a plan for the rest, right? I hope so...I pray so...otherwise, I will just be falling...falling...down down down into this bottomless pit.

Sometimes I just feel like I can't say anything anymore. Like all my words are spent, and nothing I do or say is going to change anything in my life. Like talking about what is making my tears fall is only going to make my heart hurt more and the tears fall harder. Perhaps this is what happens when its time to give up and give God all that you are. When you come to a dead end and can't go forward...look up. Right? Guess that's what I need to be doing...

Life....or something like it

2008-10-08T08:36:00.000-07:00

Well, my camera started working again all by itself. Thank you, Lord. I love my camera. More than I should probably. I have thousands of pictures that I have taken over the years. Mostly of my babies. I have a mission, since I started my 365 Project, which you can see if you click over there >>>>> to see my full profile. My mission is to take a picture a day. This mission became a lil more personal to me. I want to take these pictures of our MEMORIES...as a family and a couple.

I realized here lately that life is so short. The only thing that I have of my past to help me remember is the pictures. My Mamaw has so many pictures of me as a child. In Cades Cove, at home, at church, playing, working, you name it. These pictures made me feel special as I was growing up. They showed me that I did have a past that wasn't just riddled with hard times and sadness. I was a generally happy child. I was loved and taken care of. I never wanted for anything. I smiled, I had dreams, I was...loved.

Its hard sometimes for me to remember things. I think a lot is because of stress, and a lot is because of the damage that was done to my brain from having one too many blows to the head by a man who wasn't mad at me, he was mad at his past. I never saw pictures of him from his family. Those I did see weren't too happy. He came from a broken home. He had no childhood to look back on and smile about. Anyway, its hard for me to remember. Its hard to pick out any single event that has happened in my lifetime. Those pictures help ground me.

This is why these photos that I take aren't just important for my children. They are important for me. I want to rest assured that my babies will have their pictures and lives to check out and say WOW we had a nice life. I want to make sure that if my memory gets worse, these pictures will remind me of how precious my life has been.

ARGH

2008-10-07T17:12:00.000-07:00

We went shopping and James had to immediately turn around and go to work. :/ It was suckish. I miss him. :( Bethany grabbed my camera out of my hand while we were taking pics and she slammed it on the floor, thus ruining it I guess. The screen turned all dark :( I am busy atm so I will post again later I guess.

10.06.08

2008-10-06T18:05:00.000-07:00

Today has been another pretty good day. I am stressed from having a child on me all the time, but as a whole, this day has me thinking I am pretty blessed. I am trying to improve myself in so many areas. Patience and being calm...destressing...those are all things I am trying for.

James was gone most of the day today. I miss him. He had to go to school, then go to work this evening til 11pm. So two more hours and he will be on his way home! :) I can't wait til he gets here. We are doing pretty well for ourselves. Getting along pretty good. I am seriously getting happy again I think. I have my spells...

Here comes Bethy with her lil grabby hands..."MOMMY MOMMY"...she has a urinary tract infection...so...antibiotics and NO MORE COKE!! I guess I should expect to have to deal with her clinging until she feels better. Which I hope comes soon. She is so0o pitiful it breaks my heart.

Change of Plans

2008-10-05T13:54:00.000-07:00

Well, I didn't go to Church of the Cove, because I woke up too late. So, with 15 minutes to get ready, I went to Friendly Hill. I wasn't disappointed though. With no piano player, no preacher, and half the people gone(all on vacation) we had a pretty good service. I liked going to the ladies class in Sunday School. I learned a lil, dealt with Bethy a lot...but once she gets more comfortable, she will surely feel better with the other people.

James and I have gotten along pretty good today. We gave up on the fighting and had a good day. He hasn't been home all that long, but it was enough to make me look at him and say WOW I am so lucky. Hes such a sweetheart. Things have changed SO much between us. We appreciate each other more.

Time to get ready 4 church :]

~~Hours Later~~
Back again. James is playing the PS3 while I play on the computer. I am going to have to get off here soon and snatch him off that game so I can snuggle a few before he has to go tomorrow. He will be gone almost all day, between school and work. I'll miss him :)

Tomorrow, I am planning a few things. One thing I want to do is clean up those toys in Michaels room. Another, I have already forgotten, but I know it was super important >.< I hate it so friggin bad when that happens. I also know I have to go see Allie tomorrow sometime. I am actually looking forward to that though. She is such a sweetheart. Theres a few more things I would like to do, but I don't think I will have the time. I wish I had more hours in the day.

I had thought about visiting some people. Like Mamaw and Papaw, and I also thought about going to see Bill Manning. He isn't well, and hasn't been able to go to church in a while. He is so old too, he may be going into a nursing home soon. I haven't been to church in a while, but Bill was always nice to me when I was going regularly. I want to do some stuff to get more involved...it would do me (and the kids for that matter if I can get them involved too) a lot of good to have real purpose again...but for now, my main purpose is to go get a lil girl off her baby couch, and lay her down in the bed to sleep. Night Night...

2008-10-04T09:41:00.000-07:00

Well today is another one of those days. James and I didnt see eye to eye on a couple things last night. We are okay now, we just had a heated discussion about how things should and should not be. Very opinionated, that one is. I am seriously not the fighting kind. I would rather just sit there and chill. I wish he could do the same. We could avoid a lot of arguments if he would just realize that we are individuals who are not going to think the same things about everything. Oh well. Life goes on. I will just deal with him being not-so-agreeable and just ignore him when he gets so hardheaded :P

On another note, Bethy is feeling better. We had to get a pee sample to take back to the doctors office so we could make sure she has no infection there. I dunno...she seems much better. I am thinking it was just one of those viruses going around. I am just glad she is better.

James bought Michael a Batman Lego game for the PS3 and thats what he is doing...Michael, I mean...he is playing the game. So right now, as I sit here playing through my head what I need to be doing right now, Michael is playing Batman, James is studying for his next EMT class on Monday, and Bethy is on his lap watching Mikey play the game.

I have been contemplating all day whether or not to go to Church of the Cove tomorrow morning at 9. I mean...it seems like a good church. There are so many very nice people there. And they have active ministry, whereas the church I usually go to has the same message every day, not many study groups, and mostly focuses just on the youth. I mean, youth focus is great...but we are the ones raising the youth, so it would be super nice to be able to have something for myself too. Michael even seemed interested.

So, off I go to the website to try and make up my mind. I may go just to see what it is like. Seriously...its ONE day out of my life. What could it hurt? That is the new outlook I am taking on most everything now. Its ONE DAY what could it hurt. I was gonna try to do more things with James...even if I fear I may not like it...simply because it might make him happy and its ONE DAY...not to mention most things that he likes, if I end up trying them, I like too...just don't tell him I said that **SHHH**

Well...I have mucho laundry to put away...and a whole crapload of toys to pick up while these kids are being nice and still...we'll see how long that stays that way ;)

I never know what to title these

2008-10-03T19:57:00.000-07:00

Bethy has been sick for 3 days, and it got worse last night. But now shes okay. We took her to the doctor. They said it may be a virus and told us to get a pee sample and bring it back :/ Thats gonna be difficult, if not practically impossible. Thank God for James. He has saved our asses. Its so so sweet not to have to go through everything alone now. It was really hard without him. I am so0o0o glad hes home.

I am tired. I'll write more tomorrow.

2008-10-02T17:04:00.000-07:00

Baby girl is sick today. She is running a fever. I have basically been holding her all day long. I still need to take a shower and get the dishes done, and its already 8pm. I was going to go to rummage sales with mom and nina tomorrow morning, but no. Shes sick and my mom called it off anyway because shes arguing with Dad. I hope that me and James find a common ground so we will never end up like that. Always arguing. Its terrible. Especially on the kids.

So tomorrow, I am not so sure what I will be getting into. I may just try to get this stuff organized from where James moved everything back in yesterday. Things are going really good for us so far. I am happy, and he seems to be too. I hope things work. :) I need 2 take a shower....

2008-10-01T04:24:00.000-07:00

I just had to add more pics before I left...most of these were taken on a lil walk we took on the Townsend bike trail. We had a lot of fun. My mamaw even ended up joining us along the way. I love my babies ^_^

Changesssss

2008-10-01T03:56:00.000-07:00

Well, here I am again. Many many changes have taken place. Today may be the day that James moves back home. I am unsure. Its either gonna be today or tomorrow. We are excited, of course!I miss him, but its gonna take some getting used to from living alone. This has been the first time I have done that in years.

Life brings change, sometimes for the best, sometimes for the worst. The only thing we know for sure is we will have many hard decisions to make along the way. We just have to hope we are making the right ones. Its no longer just about us...its about family, our babies, our friends, and everyone else that might be affected by our many wise or perhaps not so wise decisions along the way. I had a choice to make, and I made the choice I thought would be best for everyone, not just me.

That being said...I may be going back to school. Thanks to the encouragement of a very very supportive man that I just happen to get to call my own. I have filed all the paperwork and am awaiting the arrival of my acceptance letter in the mail. I am so excited and nervous all at the same time. I am also trying to decide on a new hobby. I see all these super creative and artistic people around me, and I just wish I had something I could be REALLY good at. I mean...really really good. Something practical and useable in real life.

Sure I can make awesome pictures on Photoshop, but that doesnt really get used alot. I can make jewelry, but its not that great. I want to find something that I can excel at. Something that will have my friends and family saying "Amy, will you make me one?" hehe. It's gonna take a lot of thought. I just need a hobby to keep me off this PC all the time. And perhaps something I can get my kids involved in as well. I want to do more stuff with them.

So, anyway...its time for me to get off of here and wake up and do something. I have been up for two hours and haven't accomplished anything but a mess.

2008-08-22T14:35:00.001-07:00

Check out my recently published content on AC:

Routines Make Your Family Flourish

2008-08-20T10:54:00.000-07:00

	I'm Amz on

ASS BACKWARDS

2008-08-18T04:25:00.000-07:00

Who would have thought I would be procrastinating when it came to GOING BACK to bed? I decided I was gonna get a lil extra sleep today..its only 7:30AM..and here I am doing 100 different things to keep from going back. I know I will be exhausted if I don't though. So...WHY AM I HERE TYPING?! I will be back later to update :P

~update~
Well...I never did go get more rest. I stayed up. And when I was ready to rest, everyone decided to bring the kids home. Oh well...we have been having fun! Mikey and bethy have been cleaning together, schooling together, and having a good time. I still have alot to do, I have done the basic cleaning, and now I have to get into the deep clean mode in the dungeon. GRR.. I am so sick of that flippin bedroom.

2:30am

2008-08-17T05:55:00.001-07:00

Im so tired.I stayed up half the night last night just sitting outside on the front steps. The moon was so bright it looked like daylight outside. Robby had to work again today, his off day. He will be working 6a-12a all week too, and possibly be working all weekend. I still miss him terribly. He was sweet all day yesterday though. Hes a good man...just irritating sometimes. I know hes just tired though.

My papaw is getting better, he talked to my uncle on the phone last night. He doesnt want to see anyone really though. He isn't feeling well and doesnt want anyone to see him that way. I don't blame him. I thought about going yesterday til momma told me he didn't want to see anyone. I hope he's feeling okay soon.

I am gonna work on the house some today, but I think I will rest some too. I feel crappy. Most likely from no sleep. I dunno. I need to do some housework, and also I need to try to figure out this work from home crap. So many people do it, why can't I find anything that isnt a scam?

~update~

Papaw gets to come home tomorrow if nothing else happens. I hope that he will be okay. I may have to go over there and help them out. Poor papaw. I feel so sorry for him. Everyone is arguing now because one of his kids (not namin names) pitched a fit cause they had to stay with him and none of the other ones did. How ridiculous. I dunno. I am not getting into it.

Robby called for about 2 seconds to "see what I was going to do today" and then he was off again. It was a strange phone call. Im not really sure what the point was? But he thought of me enough to call. I am gonna fix burgers for us tonight.

I have cleaned up in here, and I am about to start on the dungeon room again. LOL yeah that would be my bedroom. Its been a mess since Robby moved in. I am trying so0o hard to get it in order. I need to go through his stuff so bad it hurts. He has more clothes than any one person should be allowed to even have. I dunno what to do with them all, other than try to corner him long enough to make him get rid of what he doesnt wear. He doesn't wear half, but I am not touching them, because I don't want to throw away something he needs by accident.

So ALL I have left to do is go through the closet, go through the baby bed, go through the kitchen cabinets, and then I will start on the outside. Everything else is fine and in order...other than Mikeys desk, and its just minutes from being cleaned off. I am so0o proud of myself for all the work I have been doing.

8.15.08

2008-08-15T09:18:00.000-07:00

We've been working! Our sink is shining and the laundry is drying. We are well on our way to another productive day. Bethy is even getting in on the action! Shes such a big girl now. Woohoo. I am excited about how the house is looking. Once I am done with the insides, I am gonna work on the front porch too. Maybe we will get this show on the road.

Michael came over and played with Hickory for a while yesterday. He bought him tennis balls at the store to play fetch. My kids are the greatest. So0o sweet. I am proud of them. I have to start homeschooling Mikey ASAP too...my mamaw was doing most of it for a bit, but with my papaw sick, she won't be able to anymore. We will have to work hard this year, even though he is so advanced.

Robby didn't come in til about midnight again last night, but he got to sleep in later this morning, and I could tell it did him some good. He looked better. He was starting to look really rough. Hes gotten SO much overtime. Hes worked 18 hours most days this week, just trying to make ends meet a little closer.

My papaw is doing well, flirting with nurses I am told. He has one he calls his "night angel" and one is his "day angel". Hahaha. How funny. I am glad hes pulling through this alright. I feel selfish for not going to see him, but I don't have my car! I had no way to go. He probably wants time to recoup anyway. Everyone seems to think that I am a horrible person the way I handle when people are sick, but I just think of things differently than most I guess. I know I didn't want people looking at me like I was a zoo animal in a cage whenever I was sick...

Anyway, I can never seem to keep plans that I make. Something always happens because someone else has other plans. Grr. I mean...it would be nice if they could make sure I didn't have plans before they made my plans for me. Or making plans WITH me and canceling at the last second.. Does this make me selfish? Evil, perhaps? I dunno.

I will be back later, after I have single handedly transformed my bedroom into an oasis. Yeah right..

2008-08-14T15:15:00.000-07:00

Bleh

2008-08-14T05:14:00.000-07:00

On a sad note, my papaw is currently having open heart surgery...I am here blogging to try to take my mind off of it. I worry too much, naturally. I hope all will be well with him. If you are reading this, please extend your prayers to him and our family.

Well..Robby came in at 7:15p. And left again at 7:30p again to go back to work. He was here long enough to eat. He didn't come back in til 1am. He still made time for me though. It is nice knowing you are missed when you are. I thank heavens for the crockpot after yesterday. It was nice not to have to worry about fixing dinner last minute.

My house is so0o clean in the living room and on the kitchen counters. I want to to go thru the cabinets in the kitchen and straighten up the bathroom, make the beds, and perhaps dig into Robbys boxes of stuff that still need unpacked in the bedroom. We'll see. I have to go to the store and get some basics like TP, paper towels, and dryer sheets.

Per the usual dinner dilemma, I have to go get some meat at the market too. I guess while I am up there, I will decide whats for dinner according to what looks good. I have too much to do to sit here. I should be getting my clothes on and getting ready to go there. Today is gonna be better. Getting my house in order has made my WHOLE outlook better. I missed having a lil control over my life. So0o badly. I do feel awesome. I didn't cry all day yesterday other than when I found out my papaw would be having surgery. I plan on not crying all day today either if I can help it.. Things are gonna be okay. Just okay.

~update~
All is well here. My papaw is out of surgery, and he is in serious condition, which is better than critical. I am glad he made it through okay. He had to have veins taken from his leg and his side too to patch up his heart. But hes still keeping on. I can't wait to see him...

I went shopping and completely cleaned up my bathroom :] On to the bedrooms next? hehe. I am proud of what this house looks like now. Its coming right along, thanks to the motivation from the lovely ladies at the flylady forums. What a help that has been.

Well, time to get to work again.

Better Day?

2008-08-13T05:23:00.000-07:00

I am determined for today to be better than the last few. Robby and I got along really well. He's working his ass off, and I miss him like hell, but he has to do it. There is no way around it. I have to accept that he just won't be here much and find ways to deal with it, and try to be happy with things in the process.

I got a good start on my housework this morning, even though I still feel like I am missing something. I have the dishes started from last nights midnight supper, and the laundry is DONE, all this was before 7am. I have to sweep and mop today, and get the desk straightened and the papers taken care of before it drives me insane. I am so0o tired of not being organized anymore.

Before I let James take over all the organizing, I had it going on...I knew what was going on, I knew what bills needed taken care of, I knew where ALL MY STUFF WAS?! And things didn't get lost. Now I lay a piece of paper down on the desk and it is gone within hours. How does this happen? Do I have a mysterious paper eating desk monster? No I doubt it. I just need to get my crap in order.

Robby just called. I think he just wanted to say hello, because there was no real reason behind it. That can only mean one thing...he mighta missed me. I like being wanted. I wish James wanted me like this :( Rob was so sweet last night and this morning, I feel so bad for him having to work so damn hard just for it to be taken away by someone else.

I have to go start supper now. I am gonna make crockpot cabbage soup...I needed something that would be good whenever Robby got home and would require very lil effort on my part because he won't be here til midnight again. I don't feel like cooking a meal that late, but I still want him to have something yummeh since he will have worked so0o hard all day. That sounds like the perfect dinner. Easy peasy.

~update~
Today really was a better day. Robby is late, but he may be getting to come home soon I don't really know. I worked HARD on the house today, and so far, my living room is perfect, and my papers are filed now...and my kitchen is halfway done, I cleaned up as well as I could without dragging everything out today...I'll work more on it tomorrow. My bathroom is clean, just needs more decluttering. I am going to try to get whatever I can done so that I won't be stressing tomorrow when I have to take the kids to the doctor. I dread that.

I have only a few things left to do, like hang up the clothes, and I will be able to sit and just watch tv til Robby gets home. I guess I am procrastinating doing that. I don't know why because it only takes a minute to put them up :/ Oh well. I will get to it.

Robby is wanting to go out and do something tonight if he gets to come home. I dunno what we will be doing though, cause we are flat broke. I think he is just sick of being cooped up in the house when he comes home, even if he is only home lately long enough to sleep. I guess we will figure out something to do. Surely. Even if its just go sit on the river bank or ride our bikes along the bike path. We'll see. I enjoyed riding my bike the other day too. It was fun once I got the hang of it.

I should go hang up clothes now. I'll post again tomorrow...

Trying

2008-08-12T10:18:00.000-07:00

Well...Here I be again. Its 1:19, Robby just called to tell me he wouldnt be home til around midnight. :/ That bothers me. I hate that he never knows his schedule. He also told me that he didn't know if we would be able to spend Saturday here as planned. I never know anymore what will happen from one day to the next.

On another note, I have finished the laundry, done the dishes, cleaned the kitchen, straightened up after Bethy...and I have supper in the crockpot, where it will be ready to eat for me and Bethy, and still be hot when Robby comes home tonight. Go me. I just basically threw some chicken in there, and I am gonna throw in some BBQ sauce later with some honey and then be done with it.

I still need to sweep and mop and make the beds, and clean up the bathroom. Oh, and take out the garbage too. Not a whole lot, considering. I have done three loads of laundry today. Three...all leftover from this weekend. Weekends are crazy. I still don't know what I will do this weekend if I end up having to spend all of it alone again. I usually spend the weekends that Robby doesn't have his evil boy all by myself. Robby always has something to do.

He came in last night so exhausted that he just basically ate and fell over. He slept most of the evening. Then I put Bethy to bed and I went to sleep, so I really didn't talk to him last night at all. Oh well. He got some rest after a really hard day, thats whats most important. I do miss him alot though. Hes a good man. I am proud to have one that still works his ass off even though he doesn't get to see much of what he works for. His ex's take most of his paycheck (all but 130 bucks) to child support. I don't see how they should be able to do that. The system should leave the men a lil to live on. He can barely pay the bills.

I feel bad because I am not working. But there are so many things standing in my way to do that. So many reasons why it would be much smarter for me not to work. I can't name most of them, but they are there and they are credible. We would basically be LOSING more money and wasting my time if I were to go to work. What a buncha crap.

I am ready for this day to be over with, even though it was a damn good day so far...I am still ready for it to just disappear. I am so tired. Today is a strange strange day. I seem to be having swings all through the day. Certain times during the day are great, and then there are times when I wish that I could just climb under the covers and hide my head for the day. I just cant seem to get the swing of things anymore.

I usually get this way after big life changes. My head gets so clouded that I can't really think straight for a while. I miss things being steady and I miss knowing what would happen from one day to the next. Its so hard to get used to this....so so hard....

~update~
I am bored again. I have cleaned and cleaned, and cried and screamed and got stressed out...now I am trying to calm down and just chill. Robby called and told me it would be around midnight before he came home. And tomorrow doesnt look good either. We got into an argument the other night, and we havent had any time together to sort things out since then. I miss him. I am tired of sitting here lonely all the time.

I have dinner ready to go in the crockpot, I have the laundry done and ready to hang up. Bethy still hasnt taken a nap, and I am still wondering if I am doing the right things or going in the right direction in my life. Some days it really doesnt feel like it. I guess we all make choices for whatever reason. I never know my reasons anymore, if I ever even had any to start with. I have so many things to get done, so many things to organize and get back on track. The one person I had in my life that would help me with these things is gone. Probably gone for good. And it is so hard somedays to realize what was lost when I lost him.

I cry for James every single day. Every...single...day...sometimes every hour. Each time I think of him, and how things used to be, and the things we used to do together, the tears just start to roll. It really doesn't take anything but a simple thought to get me going. I cant seem to control them anymore. I hope I am not going into depression again. Its what it feels like. I write this blog and thing DAMN I am complaining and whining alot. :/ Scary. I should go do something now, before I make things worse...I just miss him...even though theres someone else here, my heart is and will always be....with him..

bloggidy

2008-08-11T13:33:00.000-07:00

Here I am once again, trying to start a blog for whatever reason, who knows. I am so0o tired of sitting here procrastinating, yet here I am, starting something else.

So...here goes...

I am a 26 year old mother of two. I homeschool my 6 year old son, Michael. I am with my daughter Bethany right now, she is 2 years old. Every other weekend, I have Robby's son, Hunter. Its a hard struggle to get used to the way things should be.

We are trying to combine two families with two different ways of doing things, and do it peacefully. Our children are still struggling to get used to not having both their real parents there together. We are still struggling to get used to the way things are now, and the way we are with one another. I love my babies, and I love his baby too. Its just hard sometimes. Very very hard.

My housework struggles because when I was with my daughters father, I dealt with depression in a very bad way, and I quit doing the things I should have done. Now I am trying to catch things back up, straighten up, and hold my family together all at once. I miss some things, how things used to be. But there are so many things I would never ever have go back to the way they were.

I am trying FlyLady again. It helped, even though I never did follow everything, I had the guidelines to do so. I had a guide to what I should be doing, instead of sitting here aimlessly, I had focus to my thoughts. I want that again. I want focus. More than anything right now.

I hope that by starting this new blog, it will help me focus, and also help me clear my head. I need that too. I have SO0o0O many thoughts clogging up my head, and so many things to have to keep track of with this new life I am leading...I really don't even know WHAT I am thinking anymore. I have to keep up with my boyfriends issues and things, new bills, new housework, new kids, new everything.

I am so ready for things to get settled in. So so ready.