The Love Dare: Day whatever

For some reason I have hit a rut. It was supposed to be day nine a few days ago. I can't seem to remember to greet him any differently than I always do. I have been reading ahead though. Perhaps I need to start over. I seem to have lost direction.

You see, I stopped going to church. Not on purpose, but because we weren't able to. First I was sick, then my back went out, and now James' schedule mixups have had us all messed up. So. I am starting back tomorrow. But, since I have been missing it seems my "drive" has gone missing too. I have become upset, depressed, burned out. So I haven't been putting as much in as I have been in the past. All I have wanted is sleep. Rest. Relaxation. That doesn't include a child screaming MOMMY at me for hours on end.

I dunno. Its just been hard for me. I'll get back on track. I always do. Eventually.

Will you pray for me and my family? Please?

The Love Dare: Day Eight

Love is not jealous.

Love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire. ~Song of Solomon 8:6 NIV

Okay so I don't have time or back strength to make this a long post. My back is out again and it hurts to sit too long. Anyhoo...this day's focus was on what was legitimate jealousy and illegitimate jealousy. Legit is when a man or woman is jealous of their wife/husband having relations with someone else, etc...things like that. Illegit is when you are coveting what someone else has. Also, you should be a cheerleader for your spouse, not make them feel bad for succeeding.

Todays dare was to burn the negatives list from yesterday, and also to share with your spouse how glad you are about a success or achievement he/she recently enjoyed. I shared with James how proud I am of him for starting school and pursuing a dream. Also how I think he is so smart. And I gave him many compliments, though very discreetly, throughout the day. I gave him those compliments without even planning to, just because I had been in the "good room" so long that I just wanted to tell him how truly thankful I am.

Anyway...I miss him...so bad...

The Love Dare: Day Seven

Love believes the best.

[Love] believes all things, hopes all things. ~1 Corinthians 13:7.


Today's dare was to get two sheets of paper. On one paper, you write all the things you appreciate and love about your spouse. The good qualities that draw you to them. On another sheet of paper, you write all that you dislike. You are supposed to comment or thank them for one of the things you like. Then you are supposed to hide these papers til later.

I thanked James for being such an awesome Dad, and coming to my rescue when my back goes out. He is so helpful. I filled up much much more room on the things I am thankful for. This opened my eyes a lil. There are so many many things I am thankful for, yet I spend so much time focusing on the things I dislike.

The Love Dare states that there are two rooms in your heart. On one, the walls are covered with good things. This is where you go when you are thinking good thoughts about him/her. On the other, its covered with all the bad things, in huge letters. It says that we should only go in this room to write all over the bad thoughts, "COVERED IN LOVE". We should only focus on the other room.

When we spend more time in the "good" room, we tend to have a better outlook on our spouse, and on life in general. I know that if I am mainly concentrating on the good things, then James' faults tend to not stick out as much. I don't see the bad, because I am only concentrating on good. I am more grateful for him, and I appreciate him more. I am genuinely happy when I only visit this "room".

It basically says..."to stay in the good room and appreciate your spouse, and reign in your negative thoughts and stifle them...is something you do for yourself, God, and your spouse, whether they deserve it or not." I added a few things in there, just to emphasize a few points I thought were important. You do this not just for your spouse. You do this for your own benefit, and you do it for God.

The Love Dare: Day Six

Love is not irritable.

He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit, than he who captures a city. ~Proverbs 16:32


Well...these are really starting to hit home. More and more I find these covering topics that I REALLY need to work on. I really don't have a whole lot of time to touch on today's, but the dare for today was: React in loving ways instead of with irritation. Make a list of areas where you need to add margin to your schedule. List any wrong motivations you need to release from your life.


This is a hard assignment for me, considering I am very very irritable. Most of the time. We'll see what happens...

The Love Dare: Day Five

Love is not Rude.

He who blesses his friend with a loud voice early in the morning, it will be reckoned a curse to him. ~Proverbs 27:14

Today's dare was harder than the rest so far. It was "Ask your spouse to tell you three things that cause him or her to be uncomfortable or irritated with you. You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behaviour. This is from their perspective only." I did this. It was almost unnerving how quickly he came back with three specific things that he disliked about me and my actions.

One thing that stuck out about the three things he asked of me was this...they were all things that should be common courtesy, but I was neglecting to show him the respect of giving him these courtesies. It says here in "The Love Dare" there are three guiding principles when it comes to practicing etiquette in your marriage:
1. Guard the Golden Rule. Treat your mate the same way you want to be treated (see Luke 6:31).
2. No double standards. Be considerate of your spouse as you are to strangers and coworkers.
3. Honor requests. Consider what your husband or wife already asked you to do or not to do. If in doubt, then ask.

To be brutally honest...I haven't shown James the respect he deserves. I haven't been careful of how I treat him and how I speak to him. I don't guard his self worth or self esteem. I haven't been a blessing. It says in the book "Will you dare to be delightful?" My question is.."Do I have the ability to be delightful?

I let stress get to me and I am just plain ugly and unpleasant to be around. "Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife" (Proverbs 25:24). Two main reasons of being rude and inconsiderate...ignorance and selfishness. I am not so much ignorant as I am selfish. What a terrible terrible way to be. I have to seek help. I must honor him and treat him as he deserves to be treated. He doesn't deserve to be hurt...

This book has made me THINK about how I am like never before. I am examining the areas of my life and of myself that need work, and I am learning how to make that change...or let God change it for me. It's truly a blessing to my life and my relationships.

The Love Dare: Day Four

Love is Thoughtful.


How precious also are Your thoughts to me... How vast is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand. -Psalm 139.17-18

Today's Dare

Contact your spouse sometime during the business of the day. Have no agenda other than asking how he or she is doing and if there is anything you could do for them.

I do this every day already. I am genuinely concerned with what James needs and what I can do to help him. Though I do feel bad. We had a rough night last night. Everything is okay though this morning. He is helping me out tonight though!! My back has gone out. That is why this post will be verrrry short. OUCH! It hurts to sit here :(

The Love Dare: Day Three

Love is not selfish.



Today's dare was "Its hard to care for something you aren't investing your time, energy, or money in. Along with restraining from negative comments, buy your spouse something that says, "I was thinking of you today."

Being a stay at home mom that never has a dime to her name this one was difficult. I am still pondering it to be honest. I thought about just giving him a nice massage tonight. I don't know. I am so tired. I need to figure out something. I have been nicer lately. I have been thinking of him first. I have been trying to put his needs first. We haven't argued or fought. We have both been considerate of one another. A lot more than we ever have.

Anyway, I don't really have time to post anything more...Bethany won't stop screaming and its driving me insane. I'll try again tomorrow. :)

The Love Dare: Day Two

Day Two

Love is Kind.

Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. ~Ephesians 4:32



Today's dare was to not only refrain from negative words or actions, but also to perform an act of kindness. I am only on day two, and I am really watching and realizing JUST HOW BAD I have treated not only James, but everyone around me. My relationships with other people just don't live up to par considering what they could be. I could do so much more in my life, just with a little thought and consideration about how I interact with others.

So anyway, today I didn't really know what to do. I still have plans for this evening, but so far I pretty much have done what I normally would do for him. Only this time, without grumbling or complaining. I helped him with dinner, I did whatever he needed me to do. I tried to put him first. Also...I helped him study, which I have NEVER done before. He picked up on all that information really really fast. He is so so smart.

That's another thing, too. You notice things you normally wouldn't see when you are doing this dare. Normally I wouldn't give it a second thought. Yesterday I missed James so bad I couldn't stand it. Then today, I realized just what a great wonderful awesome dad he is. And how much I need him in my life. I also realized how smart he is, how helpful he is...how comfortable I am being myself around him...so many things I love about him and so many reasons too. I can only see this dare getting better from here. It's truly life altering. Heart altering too.

The Love Dare: Day One

Love is Patient.

Be completely humble and gentle;be patient, bearing with one another in love. ~Ephesians 4:2 NIV

This was pretty easy today. We had such a good night going to the Fireproof movie that we are seeing each other a lil differently. He even turned off the playstation to be with me a while. I have had to check what I have been saying, just to make sure there was nothing negative slipping through while I wasn't paying attention. I tend to let my mouth fly off like that. I think that this movie and the book are both changing our lives. I hope so anyway. I want to be better.

We had an awesome night. We bought books, and went to dinner. We got books at Borders. Including a GED Book for me to study for the TABE exam for college. I am so excited! Also, we went to see Fireproof. That movie was INCREDIBLE. It not only paved the way to transform how James and I reacted to each other, but it has changed my outlook on life. I want to be better. I want to act better. I want to be a better Christian, a better wife, and a better mother. I have a whole lot of learning to do.

But...James asked me..."Are you going to leave that book out so I can read it too?" Speaking of the Love Dare book. I was irritable, after watching him come straight home and play playstation for two hours and then tell me "just one more round of golf" which honestly lasts about 2 1/2 hrs...and it was already midnight...I said something I shouldn't have, and then went to my room to cry. I said "Why should I? You wouldn't get off your PS3 long enough to participate." OH there is so much work to do with me. Pray for me, would you?

A rummage sale. In October. In cold cold, windy weather. Did I mention it rained yesterday? Oh, and the leaves are covering the ground making it just shy of being a waterslide on the lil hill in my front yard. Slippery, yes. And very hard for a 2 year old to conquer. I am TIRED and sore and COLD! I say this every year...never again will I have a yard sale! This year I mean it! Til next year anyway.

Every year, my mom, my aunt, my kids and my cousin all come over to my house and throw out a yard sale. This year, everything was 10 cents. Everything...AHHH! Yardsales suck. I need to clean my house so bad too. I know KNow KNOW that if I start cleaning I will get warm. I also know that I am too lazy at the moment and I am too cold to want to try it. I just want to sit here like a knot on a log. And watch the dogs dig in the bags of rummage stuff outside and spread it all over my yard. :/

I can't stand dogs right now. I ran outside and said "git" and they all looked at me as if I were saying "greetings earthlings" and carried on with their business. Lil heifers. Oh, and now that the yard sale is over and the dogs are eating all the leftovers, the sun comes out. Ha. Ha. I wish these dogs would GO AWAY! The neighbors all let them roam free like wild animals and they won't leave my yard! Grr. Oh, and I just watched one pee on the bikes. Ha. Ha. again.

I have to clean. I have to study. I have to watch lil sticky fingered children as they demolish the inside of my house. I have have have to..this n that. The list never ends. I also need to read my Sunday School lesson before tomorrow morning. Cause I can't miss church. I need church like i need air. It's helping me, immensely. Along with all these blogs I am reading....those are helping me grow closer to the Lord and the way I should be, instead of the way I am.

On a lovely brighter note...I scored the WHOLE set of Left Behind books. My mom was SELLING THEM FOR 10 CENTS! Yes...yes she was. TEN CENTS. So I scurried on over and snatched them up and scurried myself back into the house with them! Mine mine mine mine. mine. Now, Joshy is outside gathering up dogs. Haha. My mom must have called him to ask him when his mom was picking the stuff up cause the dogs are tryin to eat it. LOL! He's such a cute kid. I hope mine grow up as cute as these guys around here.

Joshy is our neighbor kid. He runs around on his four wheeler with his sister. With a raccoon on the front. haha. Well. My grandma is here...gotta go.

tick tock

I have NO TIME! to blog today...so I dub this FRAZZLED OUT FRIDAY!!! I will TRY to come back tomorrow!

~a lil while later~
I found the time! for a second, anyway. My dear James is still at work. My dear son is at his grandmas, and my dear daughter is asleep in the recliner, after watching Harry Potter for I don't know how long. I am so stressed. I told James that my brain was like a traffic jam. There are so many thoughts trying to fit through a tiny space, and that space keeps getting smaller and all my thoughts just freeze. Nothing seems to work anymore.

So he and I aren't getting along again. For now. We will both be over it soon. I am over it already, but I can't let him know that cause I am stubborn. Does that make me mean? I guess I keep it going by doing that. I have never been one to swallow my pride or give up too easily. But all I wanted was one simple tiny lil thing, and he was so hateful about it. And I asked nicely for so long. I get so tired of asking when I really REALLY need something and he just didn't care. So we ended up in an argument over it. All he had to do was make one lil phone call.

Anyway. I need to learn how to deal with things better. I should have just prayed that he would make that phone call I so desperately wanted him to make. I should have just waited. I don't know. But I can only handle so much. I need relationship counseling because I really don't know how to deal with anyone in my life. I am terrible with other people. What can I do???

I am trying SO hard to be a better person. I want to make things work for me and my family and all those around me. I want my family to be happy. But there are times when I just break. I take so much and then I snap. I don't know how to control my mouth or thoughts. It's something I must practice. Does anyone have any tips? I need a mentor!

Thankful Thursday?

Not so much. I have been cranky. But its been a good day. I really don't feel like writing here. Its that time again. Bloating,cramps, and an altogether bad attitude. That's me. We took the kids to BK today..we went to the Dollar Tree and they spent ALOT on toys...then we came home. The kids played a while.

James and I went to eat at Trailhead Steakhouse today. OMG It was delicious. I loved it. Our lovely waitress goes to church with me. She's such a doll. I remember her when she was SO lil. All these kids are growing up so fast!! The Trailhead was a lil expensive, but WOW the place is so beautiful on the inside. Gorgeous.

Anyway...I don't wanna be here typing...I have things 2 do...so buh bye bye...

You would think, after getting a mouthful of silver teeth already, my son would have learned his lesson. Nah. He has two more cavities. He has to get two sealants on November 10th. :/ ugh. I thank God that we have such good dentists though. It makes me happy to know my kids are gonna be well taken care of. Bethy has an appointment the same day as Michael...Nov 20th. Her teeth are in bad shape too. I am surprised she isn't complaining of them. I am afraid that her teeth are going to take a lot more work than just sealants. Poor baby. Its where we let her use that bottle too long. She still uses it, but for the past year, we have not let her have anything in it but water.

So today...we went to my appointment, went to get my transcripts from my old High School, went to Michaels dentist, went to the DMV to get Mikeys ID renewed, went to the SS office to get Michaels new SS card, went to Pellissippi State to turn in my paperwork so I can register for my classes next month...and went to eat. WOW what a day. I came home to a perfectly clean and serene house. James cleaned up the whole house while I was gone. I am SO lucky.

I have to study for the TABE exam now. I am so bad at studying. It has been SO long since I have. I can't comprehend anything. Its the retention I have problems with I guess. It won't sink in and stay there. This is stuff I haven't looked at, needed, or used in about 9 years. How in the world am I going to make this work??! Pray I guess. Pray that God will zap my memory banks with superglue from heaven and make something stick in there. Well...better go study. :) Anyone have any tips for the TABE exam?!?

Treasuring My Life

Okay, its Tuesday. We went on a wild goose chase to find a particular kind of tupperware box. And that didn't work out. So we make an unnecessary trip to town. Oh well. We had a good time together either way. My kids are drivin me nuts. Haha. They are adorable though. I wouldn't trade any day with them for the world.

I have seen many many "memes" for Tuesday, but none have really caught my attention. I like the "Tuesdays;In Other Words" the most out of all. Still, it just doesn't click with me. So...I will just blog along my merry lil way until I have one that works for me.

Im a stay at home mom. As I sit here, blogging on my lil page...drinking hot tea...I just thought "Wow! This is what I always pictures THOSE Moms doing!" You know, the perfect ones, with perfect lil children in their perfectly clean and organized houses and lives. Sipping their tea with their lil bloggy's while their kids were off doing something productive and quiet.

Okay, fantasy over. I'm sipping tea because my throat feels like its about to combust and my kids are behind me covered in chocolate and screaming like hyenas, for no particular reason other than to exercise their voice boxes. One is playing a war game, geared WAY above his age level and the other is intently watching him blow people up. Oh, and did I mention that I have to stop blogging every 2 minutes to do something else in their never-ending list of Mommy-to-do's? No, I forgot to mention that? Well, it must have been because it slipped my mind the 12th time I had to get up and leave what I was thinking behind.

The fact that my children aren't perfect, though, is what makes them oh-so-special. My son has a quirkiness about him and he is SO so smart. I'm not just saying that because he's mine either. My daughter has an attitude that just won't quit. Only one word I know will describe her...sassy. And the fact that they are both covered in chocolate only makes them sweeter.

Over the last while with my blogging, reading other blogs, and taking pictures like I have been, I have fallen completely in love with my babies like I never have before. I cherish them. I have fallen in love with my LIFE...and everyone in it. I got a letter today that confirms that I will be starting college in Spring of 09. That makes me love my life even more. It's finally coming full circle.

So with this, I officially start "Treasure It Tuesdays"...and I don't care if anyone joins me. This is mine. And I am so0o happy with it.

I treasure my life. For the first time in 26 years.

BK Today

Last night was terrible, to say the least. I was sick as a dog, and James and I couldn't see eye to eye no matter what we did. He and I are such a match, our minds work the same it seems..so it is hard when you disagree with someone who is as crafty as you are!!! BUT things got better. He just held me for the longest time and we talked. Finally. Instead of yelling and feeling like the other was impossible. This morning, we got up, and everything was okay. He was going to go to his study class, but we ended up just not having the money, since it would take the gas, and also he would have had to chip in 10 bucks for pizza. We just can't it being so close to the next payday.

So, off we go, I was just going to the store to get some medicine. Since I had enough cash, and I offered to give it to James for his pizza so he could go but NO he wanted me and Bethy to have our medicine. Michael ended up wanting to go with us..so when we got to the store for the meds, Bethy started yellin PIZZA! After the medicine, we still had enough to take the kids and get a bite to eat. So James would have had enough after we got meds...but he didn't listen. Either way...we all had a blast at the BK Play Room.

Michael FINALLY braved the whole entire playroom of tubes to get to the slide. Last time he was scared to death. I was very proud of him and he was very happy! Bethy stayed at the end of the slide the whole time, just waiting for him. She would yell up the slide to try to make him come down quicker. They had a blast. It's so good to see them smiling and laughing together. I love my kids. SO MUCH.

BYBS Blog your Blessings Sunday??

Okay, well I saw this lil BYBS on another bloggers page that I follow. Upon more research I found out that it means "blog your blessings Sunday" which is pretty neat concept. I think I will definately try to participate in this. So, her goes nothin'.

First off, I want to say that I AM TRULY, UNDENIABLY blessed. I have been given a life in the most beautiful place in the world (or so I THINK anyway) where water is abundant, trees aren't scarce, and I can watch the sunset over the mountaintop on any given day, should I wish to do so. I have a rather large family, even if we don't see each other as much as we should, there's love there. I have "married" into another large family. They cherish my kids almost as much as I do. I have good health, my children are super healthy, and we can all bundle up and sit on the front porch and listen to the wind blow...and most of the time, thats all we hear.

There are no "gang" shootings, there are no airports or train stations or sirens wailing. Pure and simple NOTHING except for the occasional dog bark, or truck start up. Oh...and we get to listen to the constant hummm of the crickets in the late evenings. So much, that we cease to even "hear" them unless we just consciously make the effort to realize they are there.

We have a cute lil house, though rundown it may be...there's still lots of love inside. LOTS. I have a man that is the best father to my children I could have ever wished for. I have a man that will pay the bills on time. I have a man that loves his family. I hope he loves me. We are all in this together. and always will be. I have security with him, with my family here, I know in my heart that somehow we will work out our differences and spend our lives together..

God has shown me just how lucky I am, even as I sit here some days just sad about circumstances that could have/would have/should have...I forget just how blessed I am. Sometimes I need a lil reminder. I suppose that is what BYBS is all about. Family, Love, Hope, Dreams, and the pursuit of happiness (even when its right under your nose).

You know, how lucky am I? My Dad is my strong supporter, my Mom is my best friend, my aunt is my confidant, my man is the love of my life...and we are all OKAY. I love my life. I LOVE MY LIFE :)

My slideshow

Ahh Ahh Cho0o0o

So0o0o0o sick...thats me. I have sniffled and sneezed and coughed all day. I feel like a big steaming heap of.....Anyway....I don't feel well. I am lonely to boot. I miss...EVERYONE? I have been gone with my mom and Nina and Travis all morning. Michael stayed with my dad and Bethany went with us. We went to about 5 rummage sales, and then we went to get something to eat and went home.

I have a lot I need to get done. Laundry and stuff. I guess I should be doing that instead of procrastinating on here. :)

~~later~~
K I got that done. So...anyway...this morning we went to this rummage sale. There was a HUGE dog there that looked like Benji. You remember Benji, right? Well, this dog took a GREAT interest in Bethany. Because of the delicious princess poptart she was carrying around :P So, it sniffed of her once and walked off. We continued to browse through this strangers piles of various junk...and what do you know...Benji comes back to sniff some more. He was VERY interested in her poptart hand.

~SNATCH~ followed by screams of "AHHHHHHHHHH! POHTART!!!!! GRRRRR!" from Bethy. She was not very enthused to find a slobbering Benji swiping her beloved princes poptart. We then went to a few more sales, where my mom loaded her down with various toys of every sort...as usual. Her pretty lil face melts everyone into submission and she gets whatever she wants, whether mommy says okay or not :x

These are some of the best times of my life. When we all get together and just laugh. Even when we are having a HORRIBLE time, the fact that we are all together makes us all happy, and we have a blast.

blaaaargh

Okay, so I am having some serious sneezing fits here. I can't STOP. I feel like crap! My allergies are going haywire. :( I hate allergy seasons. James went to work hours ago. I wish he was home. I hate it when he leaves. I mean...I wish EVERYONE would leave once in a while, sure. But I just wish I could motivate myself to get off this PC...and he and I have plans to do a few things around the house. Hopefully we can get around to them. I need to pick up the kids toys, wash clothes, sweep, Lord knows I need to mop but that NEVER seems to happen. Its one of those things I will probably end up doing someday when I catch up with everything else which might just be never.

I also need to go through my clothes in the closet. James has so much! And now I do too but I don't wear half of them. He has clothes in there that dont even FIT HIM!? And he refuses to let them go. They haven't fit him in...oh I dont know...3 years? Don't think its gonna happen anytime soon. Anyway I guess I shouldn't be airing our "dirty laundry" so to speak. We are both guilty of it :P I just need to go through all mine and maybe he will follow suit so I can actually put some clothes in the closet! woohoo!

I talked to Pellissippi State, they said I had to take a "confirmation" test which is basically a placement test and OMG that makes me nervous. Its been almost 9 years since I went to school. I don't remember all that algebra and english and writing. So I am going to have to take so many classes to brush up. They have those for free there to get prepared. Hopefully it will get me "refreshed" enough not to completely bomb! I am going to be doing some studying on my own as well. Hopefully I will do okay! I can't wait to schedule my classes!

Rough

Today has been a pretty difficult day. I mean, granted being here with my family has made me super happy. I love Bethany being able to be with me and her dad at the same time. But still, I got used to Robby being around too. We had fun sometimes, and its hard not to think of him once in a while. James knows that I feel bad for having Robby leave. I have never been anything but honest with him. That and James really has made no effort yet to make a change for us. He does a few things here and there that make me think things are going to be different but they never are. I cried for James every day, yet he still doesn't seem to want to be with me. That makes me sad, and it hurts that Im not good enough for him. I only wish I could catch his attention long enough to see that he has a woman here who would lay her own life down to be with him.

So, here I am, lost in a whirlwind of love, life, and relationships. I would never THINK of leaving James, or doing anything to hurt him. Never in a million years. So how could he do those things to me and expect me to be healed when he makes no effort to show me that he won't continue to do so?? I'm suffocating under lies and hidden lives and I don't know if I am gonna come out brain dead or not. This is all so overwhelming.

I am so sad again. I want to pray, I want to scream and shout to the heavens to just deliver me out of this terrible mess. What can I do? Trust God. That's all I know to do. He knew this hurt was coming. He knew every move I was going to make with my heart. He knew. So He must know and He must have a plan for the rest, right? I hope so...I pray so...otherwise, I will just be falling...falling...down down down into this bottomless pit.

Sometimes I just feel like I can't say anything anymore. Like all my words are spent, and nothing I do or say is going to change anything in my life. Like talking about what is making my tears fall is only going to make my heart hurt more and the tears fall harder. Perhaps this is what happens when its time to give up and give God all that you are. When you come to a dead end and can't go forward...look up. Right? Guess that's what I need to be doing...