Rough

Today has been a pretty difficult day. I mean, granted being here with my family has made me super happy. I love Bethany being able to be with me and her dad at the same time. But still, I got used to Robby being around too. We had fun sometimes, and its hard not to think of him once in a while. James knows that I feel bad for having Robby leave. I have never been anything but honest with him. That and James really has made no effort yet to make a change for us. He does a few things here and there that make me think things are going to be different but they never are. I cried for James every day, yet he still doesn't seem to want to be with me. That makes me sad, and it hurts that Im not good enough for him. I only wish I could catch his attention long enough to see that he has a woman here who would lay her own life down to be with him.

So, here I am, lost in a whirlwind of love, life, and relationships. I would never THINK of leaving James, or doing anything to hurt him. Never in a million years. So how could he do those things to me and expect me to be healed when he makes no effort to show me that he won't continue to do so?? I'm suffocating under lies and hidden lives and I don't know if I am gonna come out brain dead or not. This is all so overwhelming.

I am so sad again. I want to pray, I want to scream and shout to the heavens to just deliver me out of this terrible mess. What can I do? Trust God. That's all I know to do. He knew this hurt was coming. He knew every move I was going to make with my heart. He knew. So He must know and He must have a plan for the rest, right? I hope so...I pray so...otherwise, I will just be falling...falling...down down down into this bottomless pit.

Sometimes I just feel like I can't say anything anymore. Like all my words are spent, and nothing I do or say is going to change anything in my life. Like talking about what is making my tears fall is only going to make my heart hurt more and the tears fall harder. Perhaps this is what happens when its time to give up and give God all that you are. When you come to a dead end and can't go forward...look up. Right? Guess that's what I need to be doing...