Trying

Well...Here I be again. Its 1:19, Robby just called to tell me he wouldnt be home til around midnight. :/ That bothers me. I hate that he never knows his schedule. He also told me that he didn't know if we would be able to spend Saturday here as planned. I never know anymore what will happen from one day to the next.

On another note, I have finished the laundry, done the dishes, cleaned the kitchen, straightened up after Bethy...and I have supper in the crockpot, where it will be ready to eat for me and Bethy, and still be hot when Robby comes home tonight. Go me. I just basically threw some chicken in there, and I am gonna throw in some BBQ sauce later with some honey and then be done with it.

I still need to sweep and mop and make the beds, and clean up the bathroom. Oh, and take out the garbage too. Not a whole lot, considering. I have done three loads of laundry today. Three...all leftover from this weekend. Weekends are crazy. I still don't know what I will do this weekend if I end up having to spend all of it alone again. I usually spend the weekends that Robby doesn't have his evil boy all by myself. Robby always has something to do.

He came in last night so exhausted that he just basically ate and fell over. He slept most of the evening. Then I put Bethy to bed and I went to sleep, so I really didn't talk to him last night at all. Oh well. He got some rest after a really hard day, thats whats most important. I do miss him alot though. Hes a good man. I am proud to have one that still works his ass off even though he doesn't get to see much of what he works for. His ex's take most of his paycheck (all but 130 bucks) to child support. I don't see how they should be able to do that. The system should leave the men a lil to live on. He can barely pay the bills.

I feel bad because I am not working. But there are so many things standing in my way to do that. So many reasons why it would be much smarter for me not to work. I can't name most of them, but they are there and they are credible. We would basically be LOSING more money and wasting my time if I were to go to work. What a buncha crap.

I am ready for this day to be over with, even though it was a damn good day so far...I am still ready for it to just disappear. I am so tired. Today is a strange strange day. I seem to be having swings all through the day. Certain times during the day are great, and then there are times when I wish that I could just climb under the covers and hide my head for the day. I just cant seem to get the swing of things anymore.

I usually get this way after big life changes. My head gets so clouded that I can't really think straight for a while. I miss things being steady and I miss knowing what would happen from one day to the next. Its so hard to get used to this....so so hard....

~update~
I am bored again. I have cleaned and cleaned, and cried and screamed and got stressed out...now I am trying to calm down and just chill. Robby called and told me it would be around midnight before he came home. And tomorrow doesnt look good either. We got into an argument the other night, and we havent had any time together to sort things out since then. I miss him. I am tired of sitting here lonely all the time.

I have dinner ready to go in the crockpot, I have the laundry done and ready to hang up. Bethy still hasnt taken a nap, and I am still wondering if I am doing the right things or going in the right direction in my life. Some days it really doesnt feel like it. I guess we all make choices for whatever reason. I never know my reasons anymore, if I ever even had any to start with. I have so many things to get done, so many things to organize and get back on track. The one person I had in my life that would help me with these things is gone. Probably gone for good. And it is so hard somedays to realize what was lost when I lost him.

I cry for James every single day. Every...single...day...sometimes every hour. Each time I think of him, and how things used to be, and the things we used to do together, the tears just start to roll. It really doesn't take anything but a simple thought to get me going. I cant seem to control them anymore. I hope I am not going into depression again. Its what it feels like. I write this blog and thing DAMN I am complaining and whining alot. :/ Scary. I should go do something now, before I make things worse...I just miss him...even though theres someone else here, my heart is and will always be....with him..